commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
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How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
True
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!