I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
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When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
This was my dad’s browser history.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
こいつ天才
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.