I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
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After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Extremely relatable.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.