I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
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[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
when u come home smelling like another dog
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.