Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
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me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Word!
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.