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“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.