My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
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Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.