Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
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The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
i now pronounce you bounced.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.