We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
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MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
can’t talk my ride’s here
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”