professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
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*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.