when someone rings the doorbell
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The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.