Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
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I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Every photo I’m tagged in
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.