Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
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Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.