[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
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i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
No, I don’t think I will.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also