Its a hippotatomus
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C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.