me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
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The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party