Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
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Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Florida man
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking