[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
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This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Has there ever been a more American story?