[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
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*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Passwords are more important than ever.
the rocks need my help
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.