My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
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Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
😂😂😂
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Monday
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am