They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
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*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works