Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
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Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
No chill.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Only a mother’s love …
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.