Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
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imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
drew a comic about my origin story
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
me and my fake scenarios
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am