If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
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How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.