Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
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[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Husband of the year 😂
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.