We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
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Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME