Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
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Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
The little toadstool has spoken.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
this chia pet tastes awful
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.