You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
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One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers