Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
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Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Netflix and awkward silence?
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.