Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
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What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.