Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
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Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Breaking news:
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet