The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
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According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.