Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
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jesus christ confetti not now
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.