Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
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Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.