I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
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“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
🤣
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.