11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
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call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”