“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
You Might Also Like
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.