Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
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I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
I really had high hopes for this year though
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.