Saving my good tweets for marriage
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Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
the three genders
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
I feel like one of these would kill a European
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.