Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
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Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.