Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
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i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.