[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
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The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.