Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
You Might Also Like
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Chemical wingman
Print is alive and well!!!
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.