First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
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Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework