THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
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I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Pass gas, not judgment.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
yea so i messed up lol
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Happy weekend !
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.