“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
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Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Girl, same.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Perfect.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.