If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
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[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
LA today:
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
quarantine day 3
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.