Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
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My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Liquor Store Parking
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.