Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
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Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan