I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
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In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
guys I’m going home
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny